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Unknown Soul Blog

Agony and Serenity

Ever  felt serenity ?
Just momentarily 

Absolute... Perfect... Peace ...

Those moments however, are what keep me going through the really hard times... that, and the hope of 
more to come...  
Oddly enough they came when 
I was in excruciating pain...

I know a little bit about pain, you see
I was born with Spina Bifida ... 
 a birth defect effecting the spinal cord.

  My case was mild and went undetected for 25+ years... until 
I had a car accident...

Over the next year I became overwhelmed by debilitating pain...  
tho , nothing could have prepared me for the agony that I would suffer post surgically...

My surgeon was a wonderful doctor who I believe was truly chosen by God to help me.  He created in me a masterpiece.  For those of you unfamiliar with this disease, allow me a brief description...  
While yet in my mothers womb, my spinal cords development was 
impeded . The nerve sack containing 
all your nerves, ( kind of like a conduit of electrical wires ),  ordinarily runs midway down your back and then the nerves begin spreading outward 
throughout the body. 

       Well in my case, a nerve or 2 got stuck and attached itself  at the base 
of my spinal column and held 
the entire group of nerves there. 
 A tumor grew amidst these nerve endings about 5 inches above the attachment.  
     This tumor was apparently something special , as it was alive
 and all my nerves were severely 
tangled all around and through it... 
I believe  I am in a text book
 someplace, ( I'm certain I don't know where as this would be for people much smarter than myself ).

     When I decided that I could take 
the pain I was in no longer, ( really I had no idea how good I had it ), I opted for major spinal cord surgery.

     Doc "Hawkeye", as I like to call him,  due to his resemblance of 
"MASH's" Alan Alda, did an awesome job untangling me. 
He told me that when he cut 
the nerve holding everything down
at the base of my spine, it moved 
like an elastic band right before his eyes.. . This was an extremely intense operation due in part to the living nerves within the tumor that had to come out.  My  Doc Hawkeye's skill 
and care is unmatched in my humble opinion .  I refer people to him every chance I get.
       I , on the other hand... 
 had a few things to learn...
 over again ...
 like how to walk upright, and stand  up straight... 
and  most importantly ...
how to cope with 
what I can only describe as 
inhumane levels of pain...
I never , ever imagined 
that a human being 
could feel 
the intensity of pain 
that I felt... 
and Not die ...
                                                           And I most definitely wanted to ...

 I was not alone...

      That extraordinary peace began about a week prior to surgery with the passing of my grandmother...
I had what one might term a "visit".
This experience created such a deep and personal sense of oneness within me that I had no fear of what I was about to undergo.  
I knew I would be alright and that I was completely safe in my spirit.

I have to believe that was in
 preparation for what I would need to endure in the near future...
It gave me something to hold onto
 when I honestly wanted to let go. 
 The pain was so tremendous, it
 haunted me for years. 

 But so did these visits from God... 

 He never left my side...
 tho I would leave His... 
 When I screamed at Him, 
how could a God of love allow
 me this unjust torment ... 
 He patiently waited
 for understanding to dawn... 

He had not "done " this to me...
 but He was determined to 
see me thru it...

When I cried and there was none 
to hear me...  
He came to me again... 
 tenderly, softly He spoke love
 into my broken heart... 
 into my broken body... 
into my lost soul... 

When the pain was so great that 
I was ready and quite willing to die...

He breathed life into me...

I cant say I understand it all, and 
the only expertise I have in this world, 
 is on being Me...
  But I learned and I will never
 be persuaded otherwise...
 that we have a God 
who loves us , more than we 
can comprehend... 

I have felt it...
 been swept away by it... 
by Him...  
and I always look forward 
to the next time 
I am so privileged 
 to experience 
His glory again...

In the presence of Jesus, 
 there were times that I felt no pain,
 and others that I did;  in either case, 
I was enveloped by peace and such incredible love that words escape me...
 I have often said that I would not be able to deny Him anything ,
 just for a moment of this  
complete serenity,...
this pure love...
 this supernatural light...
 breathtaking... and life giving ... 
this perfection... 
 His glory

I have seen darkness... and
I have beheld the glorious Light of Love within the depths of my soul...

I will seek Thee, oh Lord, 
with my whole heart, 
with all my strength, 
for all the days of my life...

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